Couples Therapy

It can be hard to make the decision to begin couples therapy. You may worry about what it means for your relationship if you “need” this. You may also feel reluctant about talking to a third person about what happens between the two of you. At the same time, when you’re feeling stuck figuring things out on your own, the thought of getting some outside perspective can also give you new hope. As you’re choosing a couples therapist, it’s important to find someone who can help both partners feel understood, as well as someone who can help you reframe the issues you face in a compassionate and non-shaming way. Couples therapy is a major component of my practice, and I work with couples at all stages of relationship.

Shifting.

The first step is shifting the conversation. When you’re feeling stuck as a couple, you’re probably aware that continuing to interact the way you have been just makes things worse. While it can be helpful at times for me to see exactly what that kind of interaction looks like, my first goal is to help you have a conversation in our sessions that feel different and more productive.

The reason for this is simple: when our nervous systems sense we’re in danger, we physically lose access to the neural pathways that control reasoning and empathy. This is not a good state to be in while working on your relationship! I try to help each partner get their point across while also avoiding habitual, frustrating patterns.

Understanding.

The next step is understanding “the problem underneath the problem.” When a couple keeps getting into the same kind of fight or impasse, there is often a way to understand what’s happening that might not be apparent to either partner individually. What I’m listening for, and supporting you both in feeling safe enough to explore in our sessions, are the deeper meanings you each ascribe to what’s happening. 
These deeper meanings usually relate to our basic needs as humans, needs that inevitably get activated in our most intimate relationships. I’m talking about things like feeling safe and secure, feeling we have agency and influence over what happens, and feeling truly liked and valued for who we are. When we can reframe negative patterns as unsuccessful attempts to meet legitimate human needs, new possibilities for you and your partner can become clearer.

Growing.

Moving forward, we focus on your strengths and the “growing edge.” I believe that most stuck-feeling couple interactions have two edges: a destructive, discouraging edge and a constructive, hopeful edge. Finding ourselves repeating the same pattern over and over with our partner can feel like a nightmare that confirms our worst fears. At the same time, there is often some long buried hope, a quiet whisper that maybe things could be different. When we can attend to the edge of hope in painful interactions and feel safe enough to share these hopes with each other, profound personal and relational growth can sometimes happen.

For this reason, my style as a therapist is not about getting each partner to “own up to” bad behavior, but about helping partners see the underlying hopes that might be hidden in seemingly destructive interactions. I believe it’s much easier to change when your existing strengths are seen and affirmed, and when you feel like you’re working towards a positive vision together.